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Sportsfreak compiles a list of New Zealand’s most humiliating test performances and is alarmed at the wealth of material to choose from. Read on if you dare. 5. v England 1955 Even though the margin of this test was comparatively small, no analysis of New Zealand’s biggest humiliations would be complete without reference to being bowled out for 26. Urban legend has it that at lunch on the 3rd day, a Christchurch businessman, when hearing that England were struggling to a first innings lead of only 46 sensed an historic first test win for New Zealand, left work and jumped on the first plane to Auckland to witness it. By the time his plane touched down, the match was all over. What had occurred still haunts NZ cricket fans. Sutcliffe was the only player to reach double figures, Appleyard took 4/7, there were 4 ducks, and 3 batsmen made 1, and the whole innings lasted 27 overs. Despite the recent premature introduction of Bangladesh to test cricket, and the complete disintegration of the Zimbabwe team, this is a record that has never really been challenged and remains New Zealand’s biggest statistical embarrassment. 4. 1st test v South Africa 2007 It all started so well too . South Africa wins the toss, and to everyone’s surprise decided to bat in very bowler friendly conditions. All out for 226, and the woefully underprepared New Zealand team was well on top; they had even got away with 3 simple dropped catches. Then things fell apart. Despite the cloud cover lifting; New Zealand could not handle the South African bowling attack, being blown away for 118; only Fleming looking remotely comfortable. A couple of early South African gave some hope, but in between these McCullum had grassed a regulation caught behind off Amla, and the bearded one then went on to put on 330 for the 3rd wicket with Kallis in a partnership that lasted a day. During this time, Bond broke down, and a range of other ailments (what is about NZ sporting teams in Johannesburg?) and injuries meant that the full touring party got to field, meaning that the dropped catches were spread around most of the squad. Only Kallis’s notorious choking when approaching 200 meant that there was one further break-through was made before the declaration. By then, however, the mental demons had truly settled in the batsmen’s heads, and the South African quick bowlers feasted out on a bit of bullying. Every New Zealand batsman looked totally out of their depth, and the biggest loss in terms of runs was easily achieved.
Technically, New Zealand’s biggest ever defeat. Another test that offered brief early promise; Tuffey snaring Afridi in the first over. But by stumps on the first day the match was gone; Pakistan cruising to 355/4. And on the next day, Inzamam-ul-Haq was unstoppable; hitting 38 4s and 9 6s on his way to 329, before getting a bit puckish and was last man out, holing out to Brooke Walker of all people, who otherwise went at 7 an over. In fact, Pakistan scored at well over 4 and over throughout the innings; the visitors’ best bowler being the unlikely figure of Craig McMillan (3/48). This meant it was only just after tea in the second day when they were dismissed for a mere 643. By stumps, NZ was 58/6. The innings was finished half and hour into the second day; the visitors dismissed for 73, with Akhtar taking 6/11 of 8 overs… Fortunately, he injured himself in the process so was unable to bowl in the second innings; New Zealand following on a not insubstantial 570 runs behind. It didn’t really matter; Kaneria picked up 5 wickets in the second innings, as New Zealand crashed to an innings and 324 runs defeat inside 3 days. Mercifully, the horrific bomb blast just before the second test put an end to the on-field torture. The tour is yet to be completed. 2. 2nd test v West Indies 1995 Even worse than the Pakistan result , because this one was at home and, unlike the match above, the Windies only lost 5 wickets. This, despite much competition, was the low point of the ill-fated Centenary of Cricket, and it came after the home side has actually had the better of the first test. On a Basin Reserve belter, the visitors won the toss and elected to bat. Lara entered the fray just before lunch and proceeded to play one of the great innings ever seen in New Zealand. For the rest of the day he smashed the bowlers the all corners on looked to have his eyes set on a Lara special until he was sawn off lbw to Morrison for 147 just before stumps. This was a rare highlight for the medium-pacer in this test, as he was being ostracized by his teammates following dobbing in some of them for the dope-smoking in South Africa incident. The West Indies eventually decided they’d had enough fun towards the end of the second day by declaring at 660/5; still the highest score against New Zealand. The humiliation was complete when Junior Murray scored what turned out to be his solitary test century off 88 balls towards the end of the party. Su’a 0/179, Hart 0/181.. What had previously seemed like a batsman’s paradise proved to be a minefield for Courtenay Walsh, with a phenomenal match analysis of 13-55. The home side were skittled for 216 and 122; the match barely making it into the 4th day. Summing up the New Zealand batting effort was that Darrin Murray top-scored in both innings. 1. 3rd test v England 1958 We’ve picked this as the most humiliating NZ test match of all time , but it really have gone to any of the 5 tests on this tour; even the drawn one. This is the series that is behind New Zealand not getting a lot of 5-match series; the ECB must have taken a financial bath on this tour. During the series, New Zealand made 200 once, and were bowled out for less than 100 on 5 separate occasions; including a pretty special display at Lords where they were made 47 and 74. But it was the Leeds test that was the most comprehensive. The first 2 days were washed out, and when play did start New Zealand won the toss and elected to …bat. The openers put on 37 for the 1st wicket, a massive total in context, but they proved to be the only batsmen to make double figures. Laker took 5/17, Lock 4/14 and NZ’s 67 took a painful 59 overs. Centuries to Milton on debut and Peter May meant England had the luxury of declaring in their first innings having lost only two wickets. They turned out to be the only wickets England lost in the match, another world record. At least New Zealand hung around for longer in the second innings; 101.2 overs of it, as they made their tortured way to 129 all out, going down by an innings (1.8 innings really) and 71 runs. This time it was Lock doing most of the damage, picking up 7/51. If that is not enough pain for you, check out the entire series to remind yourself that things have been worse.
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