Fast Times At NRL High

[SportsfreakModerator]

Was bored today so I wrote this… feedback would be great.

 

Despite the lofty position they occupy in our society, athletes are no different to anyone else. With all the testosterone and ego, the NRL functions in a similar manner to the average high school. There are in-house politics, jockeying for status and a collection of stereotypical characters that are all too familiar. Jocks, Nerds and Prom Queens are all represented at the beginning of a new year at NRL High…

It's the start of a new term at NRL High. The first quarter of the year is over and done with, the introductions have been made, the initial enthusiasm about being back at school and seeing your classmates has long worn off and the reality of another gruelling year has well and truly set in. Principal Gallop has already kicked Todd Carney out of school this year and has sent a few stern letters home to mothers of other disobedient children informing her that if her son doesn’t buck up his ideas, he's out on his backside too. No teachers have got the sack yet but Matt Elliot and Dave Furner have their satchels packed and a letter to the incoming substitute penned, they're just waiting for the phone call. But like any school, it's not the administration that matters. It's the children. Our future. The reason NRL High exists. It's only a small school, 16 students to be exact, but that doesn’t mean it's a forgone conclusion who is going to walk away with Dux at the end of year prize giving. It's never easy to gauge which students will perform well, you can look to past performance as an indicator but ultimately history only tells us what has already happened and not what to expect in the future. Talent is essential, of course, in order to succeed but a student with a strong work ethic who does their homework every night is going to out perform a smart student who relies on intelligence to skate through. So to get a better idea of which teams may be a threat to win it all come October, let's take a look at what type of student each team is and what that says about their hopes of being NRL premiers.

St George-Illawarra Dragons
Classroom personality: Popular Girl

No-one will argue she is the best looking girl in school, she wears nice clothes, lots of make-up and has had her ears pierced since she was 7. Not only that but she is probably the hardest worker and the smartest girl in school due to the private lessons she gets from super-tutor Wayne Bennett. She looks good, works hard, has lots of friends and smells like a summer breeze. No parent could ask for more from a gifted child.

Report card after term one: Keep up the great work. A+.

Brisbane Broncos
Classroom personality: Jock

He's been the coolest kid in school since the day he set foot on the playground. For a long time he was heralded as the most talented kid in school but since St G moved to town (and stole his tutor) his reputation has taken a bit of a hit. Still has immense ability and knows what it takes to get the best marks in the class, but the question is how much of his previous success was due to his skill or the guidance of his former mentor

Report card after term one: Continues to excel. A.

North Queensland Cowboys
Classroom personality: Girl who lost weight over summer but doesn’t know she's hot

She has spent the last few years sitting at the back of the class with the glue-eaters and ear-pickers wondering what on Gods green Earth she did to deserve this fate. She had the talent, she was even kinda pretty from the right angles but those few extra kilos curbed her confidence and she was never able to blossom. Until now. She worked hard over summer, ran twice a day and ate nothing but rice and celery and now look at her. She's far more confident in herself and scoring like she never thought possible. However, like a monkey with a machine gun, she has the firepower but does she have the knowledge of how to use it?

Report card after term one: Has thrived this year, hard work paying off. B+.

Sydney Roosters
Classroom personality: Emo/Goth

Something happened over summer and now this kid is just plain weird. We hoped that after a few weeks of school he would come out of the funk he is in, but if anything it's getting worse. He's grown out his fringe, dyed it black and with Todd Carney's self-induced suspension, the scars from self-mutilation have yet to heal. The fall from grace couldn't be bigger but with three terms still to go, there's still hope he can work his issues out.

Report card after term one: Problems outside of school hasn't helped but a poor effort thus far. C.

South Sydney Rabbitohs
Classroom personality: Chronic underachiever

Oh boy, where do we begin? As much raw ability as any kid in school but for some reason he would prefer to sit at home, light up a bowl and drink a bottle of bourbon than study. He's got a cocky attitude that suggests talent and ego but without any results to back it up, all his preening and strutting just makes him looks foolish. They hired a highly-praised coach to try and get the best out of him but unless the wins start coming soon, John Lang’s red and sweaty face may be heading for the unemployment line.

Report card after term one: Middle of the pack despite obvious ability. C.

Melbourne Storm
Classroom personality: The kid who was suspended last year

After a year of home-schooling from a disappointed (not mad, just disappointed) mother and father, he is back at school and ready to make amends. Before he got kicked out after being exposed for years of cheating on tests, he was the golden boy of NRL High. Proof that if you work within the system, anything is possible. Only he wasn't working within the system, he was working the system. And now no-one trusts him. But a year off and people have forgotten what this kid is capable of. He may have had his cheat-sheets burned but he's still smarter and better looking than most other students. Plus he has an almighty chip on his shoulder.

Report card after term one: Why did he bother cheating? Huge ability. B+.

New Zealand Warriors
Classroom personality: Foreign exchange student

Even though she speaks the same language, the fact she's from another country has always meant this girl has been ostracized from her playground buddies. What's worse is that once every two weeks one of the other students has to spend the weekend at her house, which they hate. It's always cold, her house has a leaky roof and her family is always making stupid jokes about a world cup victory that no-one else can remember. But unfamiliarity breeds fear and there's something about this girl that the others are wary of.

Report card after term one: Needs to work on study habits. Has potential but lacks focus. B-.

Canterbury Bulldogs
Classroom personality: School Bully

He's big, tough and just plain mean. After being flunked a few years ago for cheating (causing Melbourne to shuffle his feet nervously), he has decided to flex his muscles. But only against the small kids. His only successes this year have come against kids half his size (Tigers, Roosters, Eels and two against the Rabbitohs), but when faced with a real foe he has been viciously clobbered. This only makes him angrier though and after copping a beat-down he usually goes on to dish one out to a small ginger kid the next week.

Report card after term one: 100% in the multi-choice but failed the essay. B.

Parramatta Eels
Classroom personality: Class clown.

He has done pretty well in school over recent years, getting good report cards and praise about his large potential. Sadly though, this has gone to his head and he's now using his smarts to make the students laugh and has Matua Kearney pulling his quickly-greying hair out. There's no reason he can't succeed, except for the fact he'd rather make fart jokes than read Hamlet or learn Pythagoras.

Report card after term one: Disruptive in class and not working to potential. C-.

Cronulla Sharks/Canberra Raiders
Classroom personality: Kids that get picked on

It's not their fault. They try hard. The do their best but the other kids are just bigger, faster, stronger and smarter. Without the talent levels of other students and after suffering years of torment at their hands, they have developed into hard-nosed, gritty toilers. Unfortunately that just won’t get the job done. They have little chance of picking up an award at the end of the year, unless you count a wooden spoon.

Report cards after term one: Tries hard, does the best with what they have. Still failing. F.

Newcastle Knights
Classroom personality: Shy girl

She doesn't say much and very rarely makes headlines but she is very studious and doesn't rock the boat. Her new step dad is absolutely loaded, so with a little investment in the right areas she is poised to come out of her shell. Could make a run at a major award this year, but that will probably have to wait till next year when she has the services of the aforementioned super-tutor Wayne Bennett.

Report card after term one: About where we expected. Does her work. B-.

Gold Coast Titans
Classroom personality: New kid

After her family moved here a few years ago, she has showed glimpses of brilliance and the potential to be a top student but for a variety of reasons has never quite reached the levels she could have. Has plenty of natural ability but never seems to be able to break through. Got off to a very bad start this year but looks as she may be headed down the right track now. Has had plenty of time to settle in to her new environment and now is the time for results.

Report card after term one: Showing improvement but still lagging. C-.

Many Sea Eagles
Classroom personality: Wanna-be high achiever

Generally just does whatever the other kids are doing and doesn't like to cause much of a splash. A hard worker who has ability, there is no reason why she can't end the year at the top of the class. The only criticism is that she lacks flair or “the x-factor” to set her apart from other hard-working students. There are also question marks over her teacher, Mr Hasler, who seems to from being calm and methodical one moment to an emotional madman the next. Has had success in the recent past but is having trouble finding her feet.

Report card after term one: Solid. One to watch as the year goes on. B.

West Tigers
Classroom personality: Kid with flash clothes and a nice lunch.

It's more about style over substance with this kid. He has Dickie jeans, but his fly is undone. A Quicksilver shirt with a giant chocolate stain on the front. He wears DC shoes but his laces are tied together. Comes to school each day with two nutella sandwiches, a roll-up and two bags of chips but ends up trading them for a fake gold chain from the $2 Shop. Despite having the ability to be an A-student, he's not overly concerned about getting B's, as long as he looks good doing it.

Report card after term one: Needs to worry less about what the other kids think of him. B-.

Penrith Panthers
Classroom personality: Who?

No-one even knows this kid exists. He sits at the back of the class day-dreaming and trying to think of a word that rhymes with orange. Has taken on the personality of his soon-to-be-out-the-door teacher, Matt Elliott, and seems bewildered and rudderless at the same time. Lacks both flair and grit, which makes for poor results. Years later at an NRL High reunion he will show up with slicked-back hair in an Armani suit, driving a Ferrari Enzo, with a pornstar on his arm and people still won’t remember who the hell he is.

Report card after term one: Hasn’t missed a day of class, but I still don’t know his(?) name. C+.

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